why i left new york...and why i came back
what an absolutely crazy time this is. i don’t think any of us could have predicted how our lives were going to change at the start of covid - but here we are more than two months later. living in one of the epicenters of the pandemic was truly a scary time and so much was uncertain.
my stress level definitely began to be heightened the moment i came back from shooting with krystal and sai in california the first week in march. at the time, i was still hopeful that the situation would quickly turn around. i had scheduled shoots that week and a planned trip to florida to shoot for a hotel, as well as charleston the week after…and then dallas after that. but as things were gradually being cancelled, calls from my worried parents became a daily occurrence. my dad would say, “do you have enough food in your apartment for 14 days?” and “new york is going to shut down - what are you going to do, where are you going to go?” i honestly thought he was just being dramatic. i would respond with, “dad, that’s never going to happen” and a corresponding eye roll. but once major events like the nyc half marathon, frick gala and rewardstyle conference were cancelled or delayed, the severity of covid-19 started to sink in.
beginning march 12th, i limited my outdoor exposure and did my best to continue working, posting content, and keeping myself busy. the first few days of quarantine were…dare i say…enjoyable? i edited photos, i cleaned my apartment, i played the sims (best decision ever haha), and i even tried cooking (that was...interesting). i was starting to get slightly antsy but because i’m an introvert, staying indoors and being by myself was something i was used to and actually enjoyed. but the morning of tuesday the 17th, i got a call from my brother saying that he was going to go to our family’s house out east with his boyfriend that day and he strongly encouraged me to join them. i was honestly very hesitant to go. not necessarily because i didn’t want to, but because i enjoy being in my own space and there were still things i wanted to get done. i contemplated waiting a few more days and meeting them out there but because he was taking his car, i wouldn’t really have a non-public transportation way to get out there. i needed to make a decision: leave right then or stay in the city. i called my parents for a second opinion and they told me to go, without hesitation.
that afternoon i cancelled all of my remaining scheduled shoots and packed enough loungewear and sweatpants for about a month. a few hours later, my brother picked me up from my apartment and we drove out east. once we were out there, new york started shutting down and shutting down fast: grocery lines wrapped around the corner, toilet paper became more valuable than gold, and takeout was taking hours. it seemed that i had made the right decision. but behind the funny clips of my brother’s cooking and peaceful scenes of the hamptons, i too started to shut down. i retreated to my room as much as i could but being around people for too long in (relatively) close quarters is not my idea of a good time. as a result, my brother and i got on each other’s nerves to the point where being there became unbearable. i felt uncomfortable and unwelcome in what i thought was an equally shared space and i referred to my parents for a plan b.
my parents and i decided it was best that my brother and i separate (before i threw him in the ocean) and continue my quarantine back at their home in michigan, even though i wanted to go back to new york then. i flew directly from the hamptons to michigan in order to avoid any of the typically crowded airports closer to the city. when i landed in detroit, i was greeted by my mom who so graciously sprayed me down with lysol before i could get in the car hahaha.
i do recognize my extremely fortunate position to be able to not only have one place to escape to, but two - i realize that so many people are in situations where they cannot leave or even have a backyard or park nearby to stretch out in. during this time, it made me feel grateful for the little things, like a stocked fridge, that sadly so many are struggling to have still.
getting to michigan gave me a fresh mindset and the motivation to tackle some projects on my to-do list like restarting posting here on the blog, creating my print shop, and even decorating the bedroom at my parent’s house! but after a while, i again started to desperately crave alone time and i was dreaming of being back in my own space in the city. everyday i tried getting into a routine: whether it was a walk, shooting an outfit or sitting in the car calling my friends but everything felt off because i wasn’t in my own space. i would watch instastories of those who were still in nyc and would be envious, even though they were stuck inside. i loved jordan’s daily #clapbecausewecare videos (where new yorkers clap and make noise at 7:00pm everyday to thank the frontline workers) and krystal’s inspiring at-home photoshoots. i just found myself constantly saying, “i want to go home.”
i kept booking flights back to new york every few weeks in the hopes that the situation would be better but when the time came around, i cancelled. i do think the reason i stayed in michigan for as long as i did was for my mom. i think it terrified her that i would be putting myself at risk being back in new york and the last thing i wanted to do was give her any added anxiety. so i kept putting off my return. after two full months in michigan, i decided it was time to actually come back. while the covid situation was and is still very much present, it appeared to be looking up. i flew back exactly one week ago and i think i cried the moment i stepped foot back into my small studio apartment. i was finally home.
adjustments to daily life are changed for the foreseeable future. i rented a car to help me get around in an effort to avoid public transportation and a mask is plastered to my face whenever i’m outside. i am starting to get back into a somewhat modified routine and have been fortunate enough to have a few jobs since i’ve been back. i had my first verrrrrry socially distanced shoot yesterday and boy it felt good to photograph another person. i’ve also been working like crazy organizing every inch of my apartment! if you missed it, i created a highlight on my instagram! while it’s going to take some time, life will come back to new york piece by piece and i’m going to be here for every step of the way.
i missed new york more than words can explain. even though life is inexplicably different, this is still my city and the strength, unity, and resilience here is unparalleled. being back in new york has made me happier than i have been in seemingly forever. having that time away from new york truly made me realize how strong my love for this city is…even in a pandemic. from the opportunities that it has brought into my life, the friendships, and the experiences, i know i will call new york “home” for a very long time.
photo by lydia hudgens // see the original post here